Today I thought I'd share from my truly personal journal. I have been struggling a lot lately and this is what came to me as I journaled. I believe in auto-writing and it's ability to help us uncover answers we never realized we had. For me this comes through in auto-writing and in intuitive nudges. Every single one of us is given intuitive nudges through gut feelings, a simple "knowing" without any logical reasoning, and even internal whispers we may hear in our head, even all of them sometimes. In either case this is what came to me as I was writing the other day. Maybe it can offer you some help as well.
September 20, 2020
It's almost the two year mark and it doesn’t serve me to keep resisting the fact that I now live with the effects of traumatic brain injury and severe PTSD. No, I’ve never been in the military. I have lived in the suburbs a majority of my life and for the most part, at least in my eyes, I have live a fairly normal suburban life. So how do I have this diagnosis? It’s simple, events in my life have accumulated to this point. Let's start with the car accidents: I’ve been involved in 9 car accidents, only two were actually my fault. One involved me bouncing off the windshield of the car as a pedestrian, another with me inside my car when it went upside down. Others involved severe whiplash from fender benders. I’ve had other events occur in my life as well that I disassociated from and pushed down for years. Events that involve people I trusted and people out in the world that I didn't know harming me. Let's leave it at that. I pushed these things down for so long not wanting to address them that eventually they became locked away in Pandora’s box. Now, since this latest car accident two years ago, It opened and everything came flooding out like a tidal wave. But I didn't notice it quite as much while my brain was healing from being so swollen. No this became much more apparent once the swelling started coming down.
I keep looking back at who I was before this accident and before Pandora's stupid box was opened. It changed my life forever. I keep comparing the person I was to the person I am now. When you look from the outside there is not much to see as a comparison. I’ve gotten very good at masking or covering up what is actually going on with me under the surface for about an hour or so, so you can’t tell that I live with dizziness, vertigo, headaches or migraines, sensory overwhelm and hypervigilence daily. From the outside I appear just like everyone else. But what does that mean exactly? There are millions of people that struggle with some sort of invisible disability. Millions of people that have been so affected that they have trouble holding down a job, keeping relationships and knowing who to trust because so many feel they have been taken advantage or harmed in some way by people. Some of them include people who intended to help them heal, but only ended up doing more harm than good. I for one have lost faith in the western medical community. Not because I don’t think they are proficient at their job in an Emergency Room. When I am in an emergency situation, I trust the doctors and nurses to know what they are doing to save my life, they are highly skilled when it comes to emergency medicine. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, they were very helpful. When my mother had kidney stones, they were very helpful. When my father-in-law had a stroke, they were helpful. However, when it comes to maintaining health and wholistic wellness, or an ailment that goes beyond emergency needs, that’s where I personally have had way to many negative experiences that have added to my personal trauma. Those stories and experiences are mine, and there is way too much to dive into that is troubling for me, but I can share that it was because of those events that I chose to look towards wholistic and eastern medicine instead of western medicine for my long term care.
Wholistic and Eastern Medicine sees the body, mind and spirit as an entirely whole and integrated system that is connected with nature. Everything interrelates to one another. Our physical body, mental body, emotional body and energy body are all in sync with the elements in nature. And once we align and balance those elements we can introduce genuine healing and balance. Which has been extremely helpful for me in reducing anxiety and overwhelm as well as calming my physical symptoms.
Twenty years ago I studied Jin Shin Jyutsu and after three years of study became a practitioner. I learned all about the energy body so that I could help myself heal from the pain, suffering and trauma associated with the car accident that had me bouncing off a car windshield as a pedestrian. It was a life saver! And come to think of it, there are no traumatic effects left from that car accident, and I couldn't cross the street for three years after that one, even with therapy!
I remember how I would just lay on the massage table with my clothes on and a blanket over me, I would have three practitioners-in-training gently placing their hands on specific spots of my back, my leg or my head and I would suddenly begin to feel a deep sense of relaxation, inner peace and calm. I think I need to start getting back into that again. Find my textbooks to apply healing to myself and find a practitioner near me to help take my healing to a deeper level, without having to talk about the trauma.
Our energy body is so sensitive that it can pick up disharmony or dis-ease before the physical body even shows any signs or symptoms. It can be felt/read in the pulses, seen on our face, on our tongue, in our mannerisms and in our energy field. It will then travel to the mental/emotional body, and finally the physical body. By working with the energy body we in turn help all aspects of ourselves heal and harmonize. Maybe this is how I heal and close Pandora's box of trauma.
It does me no good to keep looking backwards. To resist the movement forwards that life takes. All of life, all of creation evolves, changes, and transforms in one way or another. The weather, the seasons, even the ability to go from a thought to conception, from an infant to an adult all require forwards movement and evolution. We all learn new things that eventually influence how we see the world, interact with others and relate with ourselves. We live through life events that affect our perspective of the world around us. But no matter who we are when we resist change, when we resist the flow of life, when we resist embracing who we are in every gifted moment, we harm ourselves simply because we resist natural evolution. Maybe even who we truly are and the life we were meant to live. Maybe it’s not the life we intended, but it is the life we were given with a higher purpose.
Yes, I am totally pissed that life as I knew it was disrupted. Yes, I am depressed that I am not able to be the same fun and adventurous mother and wife I was before the accident. I am now timid and afraid to be in public, let alone be around even small groups of people. Can I get things done like food shopping? I force myself too because delivery is too expensive and I only can afford half the food I need If I have it delivered. I even force myself to go shopping with my daughter so I can feel like I'm the same ol' mom for her. But the truth is we can only go at certain times and certain places due to my hypervigilance and brain injury symptoms. Is this causing new neuropathways to form engaging post-traumatic-growth or am I re-traumatizing myself? I guess it depends on the day, how I am feeling when I go and other stuff too.
What I do know, is that resisting forward momentum or evolution doesn’t help with healing. It doesn’t help me live my higher purpose and it doesn’t allow for growth. When I resist, it comes from fear. Unconditional Love and FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) can not share the same space. So the question becomes - do I want to live in fear the rest of my life or am I ready to embrace Unconditional Love? What am I going to focus on? Because what I focus on is going to water the seeds I plant. What do I want to grow? Who do I imagine myself to be even with these impairments to my life?
Severe PTSD means that I am constantly living in fear. I live in a state of hypervigilance. I also live with the effects of a traumatic brain injury that has left me living life with hyper-sensory sensitivity. However there are certain things I can do, accommodations I can make to block out the scary world around me so I can give my nervous system a break. One thing I do is put silicone earplugs in my ears to help filter out triggering sounds and certain vibrations that not only turn on my fight or flight response, but physically hurt my head and cause pain and imbalance. Another is that I wear a bucket hat to help me shield the light and to help me feel more secluded from the outside world which I find scary. I wear sunglasses to help shield my eyes from painful light, and I stay within the boundaries that I have discovered help me feel safe. I also tend to be a homebody now, more than I ever was before. It's almost on the verge of being a shut in but I am getting a puppy to train as a service dog to help with that. Some people may not see those actions as an act of Self-love. But what better act of love is there than the act of caring for yourself? Of nurturing yourself and making choices that nurture you support or empower you? Yes, I tend to resist moving forwards, but I am realizing now that making the choice to live within my boundaries, to be in balance with nature, to harmonize my energy body and live in the way that helps me feel stronger, more resilient and safe are exactly what I need to embrace this new life. Maybe even accept it enough to embrace the possibility that I can move forwards and fulfill a higher purpose I was not aware of before.
Information contained within this site does not take the place of professional medical care. It is for educational purposes only and created with the intention of offering support and empowerment to women struggling to find wholistic and natural answers to their challenges. Every individual is responsible for their own actions, choices and behavior.